June has been a strange month for me so far, in that I have consciously been aware of myself resisting doing things including joy-related stuff, that I need to do as the energies have not felt terribly supportive. My mind has not felt supportive either and has been digging in its heels over some things, so yesterday (Sunday) I made a huge effort in trying to override some of these energy gridlocks. It reminded me of college days when I would leave it until the very last minute to complete an essay, feel stressed about it, yet feeling incapable of just getting stuck into it - finding anything, even housework, as a means of distraction and avoidance. I haven't felt like this for some time, and as one who prefers to choose the easy way rather than struggle, it felt like going against the grain when I had to "force myself" to make that appointment or just something simple like a phone call.
So knowing I had a Munich conference and Salzburg workshop coming up in a couple of weeks time I just knew I had to book my hotel rooms regardless of the current state of the energies, and ended up spending the whole day searching for a hotel on the internet as everything within a few miles radius of the event was either fully booked by now or not good value for money or seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. In fact it was hard to work out where exactly WAS a few miles radius of the conference as I had no street map to work from. Maps on the internet didn't help - either too lacking in detail or too small and unreadable. Maps in my local bookshop didn't help either - they were either covering the central zone only rather than the suburbs, or it was a motoring map of the country. And as I don't drive I needed to be able to walk to a train station rather than rely on taxis all the time or shuttle services to the nearest train station, yet maps didn't show how to get from the hotel to the conference by public transport anyway. There seemed to be nothing the equivalent of the London A to Z.
As my mind was continuing to freeze up in resistance and sheer boredom from this pointless exercise, and as I felt disillusioned by all the big bland chain hotels that I couldn't feel excited about staying in (assuming they were anywhere near where I needed to be, which I probably wouldn't know until I got there) I went from that to reading the customer reviews of any hotel or bed and breakfast in the whole of Munich. I was becoming less focused with my research, but at least my mind was a little more entertained and I was still on topic. Then I started reading up about day trips I could be doing from the city, and castles or medieval towns I would love to see. Part of me was still screaming at me to just sort out the bloody hotel booking or I would be going nowhere. Another part of me was saying (to that part) "just chill out - and in any case it is not 'your' job to be in charge of this. 'Your' job is to be able to fill in booking forms accurately and do the mundane mental stuff that I instruct you to do once I have decided what that will be. My whole consciousness does this stuff and 'you' don't have to be responsible - indeed how COULD you do this work when we have so little information to go on and it all feels like putting a pin on a map with a blindfold on. "
So I could feel my inner resistance and stress start to diminish from that moment on, and I just continued reading up on other things to see and do in the city. My enthusiasm for this trip started to return once again and I no longer had to do battle in overriding this inner resistance within me. Eventually I went back to looking at hotels again once I realised I wanted to stay in a smaller and more quirky one, and that actually the central zone was probably better for me than being out in the suburbs where there would be less to do and see. It slowly dawned on me that this was a combined holiday as well, and that to commute for just two days to the conference was preferable to having to commute out of the suburbs every day of my stay to have fun and sightseeing in the centre of town.
I had read up about different areas in the city while my research had been less focused and more generalised. My whole consciousness had also been noting all my likes and dislikes, or my preferences, along the way - about anything and everything. The other part of me that had been freaking out before was just quietly observing in the background, relieved that it didn't have to bother it's pretty head about it any more because it wasn't fun, and was just hanging around on standby in case I needed it.
Eventually, and without a map or a map-centred consciousness, I eventually booked a hotel that seems ideal. I only later noticed that the name of the district was the same as the one I had felt an attraction towards as sounding interesting when I was doing my reading earlier, yet this district had not been named as such on the hotel booking page, and I had no map of course. The hotel had its own website on which I found a clearer map of the local area, and was delighted to learn that it was an easy distance from the main station without being too near it. It was also an easy walk to the place where I would need to catch the tram or streetcar to the conference, with no requirement to catch trains as well. So location-wise it couldn't have been easier for travelling to the conference despite being in the city centre, plus I had all those sightseeing places, shops and cafes, gardens, museums and architecture around me to discover, not to mention more choice of nightlife on my doorstep for my non-conference days, should I be feeling sociable that is. The hotel rooms also have their own kitchenette, which makes it easy to prepare food if I don't want to keep eating out in restaurants. None of the other hotels had this. Plus to top it all off I got the room at a really good price, much cheaper than the average prices I was seeing elsewhere, yet it still had all the usual facilities that the other hotels were offering and more.
The other part of me was noticeably impressed. It had observed the results, and had also felt the energy of my enthusiasm return. It got its needs met, and the rest of me got mine. I'm sure we will make a great team. And so whenever I encounter that feeling of inner resistance again, I will know that I am delegating it to (or dumping it on) the wrong team member, also known as my mind/intellect/ego construct, and will not hesitate to relieve it of something it doesn't want to, or wasn't even designed to do. It makes my life go so much easier when I don't involve the left-brain analytical, logical side where it is not supposed to be. It only deals with facts and when I don't have enough facts to feed it with, it pouts and folds its arms and goes on hunger strike or panic attack. It wants to be relieved of having anything to do with my love life also. Which is why the term 'let you head rule your heart' is actually wrong when referring to the realm of relationships or matters of the heart.
As I didn't know where this post was going until I reached the end of it (the mind/ego is also ok about that, now that it knows it doesn't have to know the outcome in advance because that's not its job) I realise that there is some connection between what I have written in this post and the Bashar channel I posted a while back about Ego Negotiation. I suppose this example would be a prime example of negotiating with the ego and its needs. Whenever IT had felt distressed or blocked I had always assumed it was ALL of me that had been experiencing it. Yet it is just two different operating systems, and actually letting my greater consciousness take over, even when I don't really know what I'm doing from the mind's standpoint, is a wonderfully expansive way of embracing new potentials and experiences.
Now, I just have to find a way of getting the overdue housework done, because the ego is telling me that housework is also not it's job !
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